I Don't Know You! Right?
by I-Eat-My-Vegetables
Summary: Prequel to Do I Know You? Jensen's assigned a solo mission. Involves Russian ballet, gorilla women, and rainbow glitter! Oh My!


Authors Note: Yeah, so I decided to take the advice of Vivienn and write a prequel to Do I Know You? I'm taking some artistic license with this one because I'm not sure whether Jensen has always been in Clay's unit. This is has no relation to Forest Gump… you'll see in a few lines.

"blah" English

"_blah_" Rusiian

'blah' thought

I Wish I Had Never Known You

Jensen wasn't sure why he was in a ballet studio… wait, now he remembers! It was because his ass hat of a Lieutenant forced him. Let's start from the beginning.

Jensen was innocently hacking the pentagon again when his Lieutenant walked up to him and slammed his hand down on the keyboard of his laptop, interrupting the very delicate process of breaking down encryption algorithms.

"Corporal Jensen!" shouted ass hat aka Lieutenant Dan.

"Yes sir" replied Jensen while staring down at the hand which had interrupted his fun.

'I wonder how much trouble I would be in if I stabbed the Lt.'s hand with a pen' contemplated Jensen before he finally removed his eyes from staring hatefully at his Lt.'s hand to his face.

"You're going to Russia. You have a recon mission." Barked Lt. Dan. "You'll be spying on the Kirov Ballet Company. There's an undesirable who's been seen at several of their performances. We need to know what he's doing there and why he's been meeting with the director of the ballet company."

"… seriously?" asked Jensen. "You want me to fly to Russia to spy on a ballet company?"

"Yes" replied the Lt. smirking. "The undesirables name is Fillyp Alekseev. He has been seen in several areas containing nuclear warheads. We want to know what he's doing. You're the foremost expert of surveillance in this unit. So you're going!"

That was a command if Jensen had ever heard one. He contemplated refusing, but then realized he'd be away from his Lt. for at least a week if he took the job, not that he really had a choice.

"Yes sir, is there anything else sir. Maybe you would like me to shine your shoes as well, maybe give you a few roses and a box of chocolates?" The Lt. growled in reply. "Ah, I see you're not a fan of roses, daises then?"

"Get out Jensen! You leave in one hour!" yelled the Lt. before turning on his heel and marching away.

"Well that was rude" mumbled Jensen while packing away his laptop and supplies, a devious smile planted firmly on his face. "I was only trying to get him to loosen up, maybe remove the stick that seems permanently shoved up his ass."

Jensen discretely tried to move the female head currently resting on his shoulder before he looked back out the window of the plane he was currently in. Now, most of the time Jensen wouldn't mind at all if a pretty woman rested her head on his shoulder while she slept. But this was NO woman, this was a freaking gorilla woman! She was at least 200 lbs of pure muscle and hair! And she drooled! Now you may be asking yourself why Jensen didn't remove her from his shoulder more forcefully. The fact is that she was much more tolerable asleep than awake. For the first hour of the flight the woman had stared at him… not just stared at him but stared at places on him she had no business staring at! Now he understood why women became upset when he stared at their breasts. Luckily Jensen had been able to dodge the meaty hands which had "accidently" slipped off of the armrest of the chair… 8 times.

"_Please put on your seatbelts, we will be landing in 10 minutes. Thank you for flying Aeroflot_" came a pleasant female voice in Russian from the speakers of the airplane.

'Why couldn't she have been sitting next to me during the flight?' wondered Jensen as the pretty female hostess who had been using the speaker system sauntered past him with a wink. Unfortunately the hostess's announcement had woken up the gorilla woman.

"_Hello my handsome friend_" whispered a masculine voice very near Jensen's ear. "_That nap seems to have restored my energy, I think I need to visit the restroom._"

"_And why are you telling me this_?" asked Jensen hesitantly with a fearful look on his face.

'Please don't be implying what I think you are' He prayed in his mind. He really hoped she wasn't wanting to join the mile high club… with him. 'Ew'

"I thought you might like to join me" the gorilla woman replied with a look that he thought was meant to be sultry, but ended up looking like an enraged gorilla eyeing his next meal. She gorilla woman then proceeded to finally 'break the camel's back' for lack of a better word.

'Did she just… no… please no…' Jensen looked down to find her hand residing on the crotch of his khaki's. Just when Jensen thought it couldn't possibly get any worse… She. Licked. His. Ear.

'Aw hell no' thought Jensen.

Jensen then proceeded to do what he should have done 10 minutes into the flight. He screamed rape.

'You know this isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be' thought Jensen as he adjusted the dials on a very expensive piece of music equipment. It certainly wasn't a dangerous mission so far. After Jensen had screamed rape a very kind, yet slightly frightening old lady had beaten the gorilla woman with her purse. After gorilla woman was unconscious the old lady, whose name was Clarisse he learned, had given Jensen some sugar cookies and a hug.

'That grandma was awesome' reflected Jensen.

"_Again, from the beginning_" yelled the director of the Kirov ballet company. Hearing those words Jensen immediately rewound the music and began the music once again. Jensen felt kind of sorry for the men taking their places on the floor.

'I had no idea' thought Jensen as he stared at the poor men forced to wear tight spandex which, unfortunately, showed off parts of their anatomy he'd rather not have seen. Jensen had been there for 2 days now waiting for Alekseev. Luckily, he was set to show up today. The director had said something about a demonstration which would change the world as we knew it. That had both worried and intrigued Jensen. He had immediately hacked the database to find out what the "demonstration" was going to be. Fortunately, he learned it was to take place within the studio which meant it couldn't be very destructive.

How wrong poor Jensen was. The demonstration was going to be something that forever changed him, worse than the gorilla woman, even worse than the time he accidently set up a camera in the men's shower. He really had thought it was the women's shower though. Must have taken a wrong turn in the air vent at the dead rat.

Jensen tried to relax and blend in with the rest of the crew and dancers of the Kirov ballet company. He had to admit he was slightly nervous for this demonstration. He had made sure he had a good view of the demonstration by taking a seat in the front row. Just as his nerves were beginning to become unbearable the director came out from behind the curtain.

"Quiet!" shouted the director into the microphone, immediate silence followed. "I would like you to welcome Mr. Alekseev who is here to show you a very special performance. He has been traveling to different military bases within our very own Russia attempting to put the structure of the military into a ballet dance. While his dance will show the structure and discipline of our military, his attire is to represent the creativity which must be suppressed in order to have discipline. Please welcome Mr. Fillyp Alekseev!" announced the director. Following his declaration was polite applause. Jensen however sat there stunned.

'After all the shit I had to go through to finish this mission! He's a freaking DANCER who had been trying to find a new way to dance!' yelled Jensen in his mind.

Then the real horror started. The curtain slowly rose to show Fillyp Alekseev, a mustachioed spaniard dressed in a pair of lime green spandex shorts with a highlighter pink tank top. Not only that, but the guy was covered, COVERED in rainbow glitter. With every step he took a trial of glitter followed, gently sloughing off of him with the slight breeze from his steps. Then he started dancing, if you can call it that. He performed leaps, pirouettes, and spins with precision and precise control. During those leaps, spins, and pirouettes he took every opportunity he could to either thrust his hips toward the crowd or perform splits and contortions no man had any right doing.

Jensen only had one thought running through his head 'what have I ever done to deserve this horrific form of torture?' He was sure he would be having nightmares of this man for months to come. Then it got worse. Fillyp Alekseev jumped gracefully from the stage to land directly in front of Jensen. He then proceeded to thrust his hips once again, turning occasionally to shake his ass in front of Jensen's face, and perform high kicks which barely missed Jensen's head. At this point Jensen wished one of those kicks would have connected and put him out of his misery. Sadly it didn't happen and Jensen had to continue to watch in horror for the rest of the performance. With a final leap and a particularly painful looking jump landing into splits the routine ended.

'I need brain bleach. Lots and lots of brain bleach' thought Jensen as he shakily walked out from the dance hall. After a quick session in the bathroom where he forcefully lost his lunch into the porcelain god, he walked to the director's office.

"_Sir, I quit_" said Jensen quite simply. Then he turned and started to walk out of the office, before he got to the door though he turned around hearing the director call to him.

"_You can't just quit, we need another music technician before you can leave_!" argued the extremely irate director.

Jensen contemplated pulling out his pistol and preventing the director from ever showing the horrifying performance again. He decided against it though, Lt. Dan would probably court marshal him if he did. Instead he settled for the next best thing. He pulled out his taser, electrocuted the director in revenge for destroying his innocent mind and ran straight to his rooms where he packed his affects and got the hell out of dodge. He kept on running or driving way above the speed limit until he reached the airport, made a quick report (while still running) to the military on the basics of the mission and jumped onto the soonest flight back to the United States.

'Why, Why? Why why why why WHY?' thought Jensen as the horrifying performance played in a repeating loop through his highly intelligent mind. He had tried to forget, even beaten his head against the luggage rack on the plane but nothing had worked.

'Time to pull out the big guns' thought Jensen as he quickly got down on his knees in the middle of the aisle. Folding his hands together in the classic prayer pose he looked up towards the ceiling of the plane and started pleading.

'Please god, please let me forget. I can't take it anymore. Every time I close my eyes I see lime green spandex thrusting and lime green ass shaking in my face! Is this because of that time I hacked the pentagon and changed the president's name to batman? Maybe when I hacked the military database and made the backgrounds on all of the computers a picture of those cute baby kittens rolling around with a ball of yarn. I honestly thought that they'd appreciate that! I mean the backgrounds are sooooo boring! Who wants to stare at a blue background all day really? I did them a favor….'

Fortunately or unfortunately Jensen's prayers were answered with unexpected force. The gorilla woman had taken the same flight back to the United States as Jensen, what a coincidence! When Jensen had kneeled down in the aisle she had been overcome with lust at seeing the handsome man again that she ran towards him to give a wonderfully loving hug. When she ran towards him she didn't see the bag that the owner hadn't quite been able to shove completely under their seat. Two feet from Jensen gorilla woman's foot caught on the strap of the carry-on causing all 200 lbs of her to fall directly on top of Jensen, immediately knocking him unconscious and giving him a nasty concussion.

Jensen kicked his shoes off and hopped onto his bed, grabbing his new puppy (a bulldog), and flicking on the television with a happy sigh.

"You know, Lt. Dan sure was mad when I woke up in the hospital and couldn't remember anything from the past 5 days. At least I had phoned in and given them a report!" he said happily to his puppy, which he decided to name Gorilla for some reason unknown to him.

"Plus I get a week off to recover!" said Jensen excitedly. He grabbed his awesome, in his opinion, batman blanket and settled in, cuddling with Gorilla. Later that night Jensen woke up screaming. He quickly reached under his pillow and pulled out his pistol. Looking around quickly for the lime green spandex, rainbow glitter covered gorilla that had been trying to grope him in his nightmare. He sighed in relief when he realized it was just a dream. He quickly pulled his batman covers up to his chin and settled back down to go to sleep. His last thought before succumbing to Morpheus 'I really need to lay off on the cheese before bed, keeps giving me weird dreams'.

End

I really hope I didn't offend anyone. If I did it was not my intention and I apologize! If I got anything wrong please inform me and I'll fix it!


End file.
